Guardian,
We are pleased to offer your child a pre-kindergarten placement for the 2015-2016 school year at:
Digester Eggs, Newtown Creek, Brooklyn
To accept this placement, please gather proofs of identification and immunization and proceed to the corner of Greenpoint and Humboldt Streets. There you will be met by Anubis, jackal-headed guide of souls and Guardian of the Scales. He will weigh the heart of each student: those deemed lighter than an ostrich feather may continue on to registration at the Eggs. Those deemed heavier or in possession of non-organic cheddar bunnies will be eaten by Ammit, Devourer of the Dead, at the nearby Lake of Fire.