A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
- attend a sleepover
- have a playdate
- be in a school play
- complain about not being in a school play
- watch TV or play computer games
- choose their own extracurricular activities
- get any grade less than an A
- not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
- play any instrument other than the piano or violin
- not play the piano or violin.
3 thoughts on “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?”
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I read that whole article, and cringed constantly. I am assuming she meant it all literally, and all the things she reported really happened with her own children. I don’t get it.
Why, for example, was it okay to do everything but scourge her child for 48 hours to get her to play one piano piece perfectly? Because it finally worked that time? What if it hadn’t?
Would she really have taken her dollhouse to the Salvation Army, not let her have breakfast lunch or dinner, not allowed her a single Christmas or Hannukah present for 3 years, etc.? I am not saying it is okay to let your kids “give up”. Don’t get me wrong. But I just kept thinking, when I read that list above (which is only the beginning of the article), “And what if they aren’t THE #1 child in their class in every subject? There are others pushing their kids to do the same thing, constantly (as well as many, many “Western” parents who don’t seem to have any problem with accepting 3rd, 4th, 10th, etc.).
Do you really, seriously, punish them for getting second best in any subject? And how? Screaming and yelling, calling them “garbage” and generally threatening can only go so far. What about when you have to follow through with all those threats? If you refuse to feed your child because they got a B, and have not done perfect work on the 50 practice tests you have made them do since that, in the last 24 hours, then someone will report you. Seriously. And shouldn’t they?
Of my friends growing up, the ones most likely to try drugs, dabble in secret dating lives, and even attempt (or commit) suicide, were the ones who were raised by first generation Chinese-American parents. No joke – I am talking at rates of 3-4 to 1 for the negative and destructive results I listed in this paragraph. She did NOT seem to be exaggerating her story to me, and I do NOT think I could live with someone who treated our children like that.
I am all for pushing excellence, and if that means you have to miss a sporting event or two, so be it: but I will not mistreat or abuse my child for not being first in everything. If she seriously did all that crap to her children and they still respect and love her, I have no idea how that worked out. My husband and I are a perfect match for each other (even in our “mis-matches”, if you know what I mean), but we disagree at times with one parent responding one way while the other responds the other, and the resulting inconsistencies. This level of disagreement between parents that she describes here, goes far, far beyond anything I could put my children, or my spouse, through.
I guess if you really believe that your children owe you everything and you owe them nothing but pushing them to be the best, it must be easier to live with yourself when they kill themselves or are institutionalized? I am only being half-sarcastic here. What if you treat your child like that and have them turn out anything but perfect, or number one in all areas? What if they kill themselves or cause permanent damage because they are afraid of what will happen because they got a B? I am not making this up. This article really scares me.
I find similarly find Amy Chua’s approach problematic also, and don’t find her generalized statement about how Chinese parents raise their children to be particularly elucidating.
However, I would recommend that one read “The Art of Choosing” by Sheena Iyengar who does a fairly nice job of documenting differences between cultures. In one experiment, young children were given the choice to solve some puzzles and were either told to solve a problem the “teacher” had chosen, or a puzzle they were told their “mothers” had chosen, or one that the child him/herself had chosen. They measured how well the children did on the puzzles.
American (culture) kids did best on puzzles they chose, but the Chinese (culture) kids did best on the puzzles the “mother” had chosen.
Anecdotally, the author mentions a few comments from the kids on this experiment. In one case, a little American girl asked in exasperation, “You asked by Mother?”. In another case, a little Chinese girl said, “Please tell my mother I did the puzzle she wanted me to”.
There is substantially more to differences between cultures and households not mentioned in this article.
I would highly recommend viewing the author’s wonderful TED presentation. I think it one of their best.
Oh, I have no doubt that the cultural differences are very real. I experienced them with friends growing up in every way. But her version is even a little extreme for that. (I mean, ONLY being able to choose piano or violin, never being allowed to try a sports team at all, and never having a playdate? Seriously?)
I had not heard of that study, Larry; but it doe snot surprise me at all that the Chinese girl asked the study authors to tell her mother she chose the “right” one. That is a perfect illustration, and I can still see that in my friends who are first generation American (the ones who still speak with their parents!). I had a Ukrainian friend two (two girls, actually) whose parents were similarly “over”-dedicated to all aspects of excellence in their children’s lives, in childhood and beyond. Still, at least they allowed “playdates”. :-}